


charity

by EthanTheAnnus



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Gender Identity, Introspection, Names, Online Friendship, Pronouns, Self-Discovery, Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), based on the song charity by yungblud, gender crisis, if you think otherwise then you are simply wrong /j, kind of, listen that song is all about working out who you are ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28806702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthanTheAnnus/pseuds/EthanTheAnnus
Summary: Never heard of Tommy before, but your art of them is beautiful!It takes him a moment to realise what about the sentence has drawn him in. It’s the pronoun, and the way that, somehow, it seems to sit well with him. It feels odd that it doesn’t feel weird being referred to as anything but a he; in fact, it feels… Kind of good.-OR-After seeing someone refer to him using they/them pronouns, Tommy tumbles down a rabbit hole of pronouns, gender identity and a mild gender crisis.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 48
Kudos: 795





	1. i'm lost in the supermarket shopping for my sense of self

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ariaizz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariaizz/gifts).



> based on the song charity by yungblud!!! a lot of this fic is me, as someone who's trans and uses he/him and xe/xim pronouns, kind of projecting. i hope y'all enjoy :)

Tommy’s never been completely sure of who he is. He has a persona he presents to the world, that much he knows, but as a person? He’s still figuring that bit out.

It feels a little like he’s set his sense of self down back along the way, and now he’s searching for it again. He’s inside a massive supermarket and keeps getting lost. Nothing is where it should be, least of all the knowledge of who he is, and one second he’ll wander past the fruit, the next he’s amidst the cleaning products.

Sometimes, he thinks, it’s less difficult to just lay on his bed and daydream than try to work out who he is. Easier to think of who he wishes he was, where he wishes he could be. Daydream him is confident and knows exactly who he is, and has all his friends within easy reach, rather than scattered all around the planet.

Daydream him isn’t afraid of anything. Stands tall and proud, jokes with his friends, smiles more. Most of all, daydream him doesn’t have an identity crisis every time he turns off the camera, stops the stream and steps away from his desk.

But Tommy isn’t the daydream version of himself. He can wish all he wants, but that’s not him. That’s the only thing he’s certain of, because daydream him wouldn’t be having these thoughts at all, and definitely not at this hour. No, daydream him would be sleeping at the wonderful time of three in the morning.

He doesn’t dare try to tell anyone about this. Not that Tommy could call anyone close to him at this hour anyway, nor does he think he could find the words. All he knows is that it’s not normal to feel like this, but he does, all the time. 

It makes him envy so many others. All those people who seem to know exactly who they are, and keep reminding the world of it at every turn. Whether it be successful artists his age, or trans teens who seem so sure they know who they are, or even just everyday people he passes who have no trace of doubt in the way they hold themselves, Tommy feels nothing but jealousy towards them.

They have it all worked out, and he does not. No matter how much he thinks about it, analyses his actions, he still doesn’t feel like he knows himself. Like he’s still figuring it out.

He turns on his phone, fingers hovering over the search bar of Google. Should he tap on it? What would he even type?  _ Hey Google, how the fuck do I work out who I am? _

Tommy groans, and drops his phone next to him on his bed. Even in his head that sounds stupid; he can only imagine what the search results would pull up if he was to actually type it in. He kind of wishes his brain would turn off for just a moment, stop thinking long enough to let him catch his breath.

He picks up his phone again, but this time turns to Twitter. Nothing more mind-numbing than scrolling through his timeline, right? He’s barely seen a few tweets before one catches his eye; it’s a reply, short and simple.

_ Never heard of Tommy before, but your art of them is beautiful! _

It takes him a moment to realise what about the sentence has drawn him in. It’s the pronoun, and the way that, somehow, it seems to sit well with him. It feels odd that it doesn’t feel weird being referred to as anything but a he; in fact, it feels… Kind of good.

_ They. _

_ They. _

_ They. _

The word runs around and around in his head. He closes Twitter, and opens Google again. After a second, he types seven in simple words.

_ How to use they and them pronouns _

The results load up in seconds; he scrolls, seeing bits and pieces of articles. It’s somehow too much and not enough information all at once.

**_Some people use they instead of he or she._ **

**_Singular “they” can be used in the same way he or she is used._ **

Tommy’s head seems to spin a little. He scrolls back up, and taps the search bar again.

_ Who can use they and them pronouns _

**_They/them is often used by nonbinary people._ **

**_There are two binary genders… Sometimes they use a multitude of pronouns, including they/them…_ **

Tommy turns off his phone. The realisation that people using they and them in reference to him isn’t at all terrible is… A lot, to say the least. He itches to look more into it, to know if he can use both his current pronouns and they and them, but it’s definitely too much for his tired brain to process right now. Not to mention the question of whether or not this makes him want to change his name.

He puts his phone aside and pulls his covers up around him. This is a problem for future-Tommy. Right now, he’s going to sleep.

He shuts his eyes.  _ They shut their eyes?  _ He shakes himself a little, wishing his brain would shut the fuck up for three seconds.  _ I can think about this tomorrow. Today. Fuck. Time sucks. _

It takes a while for him to fall into a restless sleep, his mind still running a mile a minute until the second sleep drags him under. 

********

Tommy’s barely gotten himself some breakfast when Tubbo is calling him. He hates to be rude, and though he’s itching to do more research, he picks up.

“Hey, Big T,” he greets, trying and failing to force the tiredness from his voice.

“Hi!” Tubbo sounds far more awake, far more full of energy, than Tommy ever thinks he will be again. Before Tubbo can say anything more, Tommy speaks again.

“I’m kind of busy today. Sorry. Gotta work some things out.”

“Oh.” Tubbo goes quiet for a moment. “Well, if you need any help, I’m here.”

Tommy takes in a breath, his brain seeming to whir like an old computer. Slowly sorting through his memories, processing what Tubbo said. He trusts Tubbo, more than anyone else, and knows he can tell him anything. So he exhales, inhales again, and speaks.

“Actually… Could you use they and them to refer to me?”

There’s silence for a second.

“Like, now?”

Tommy breathes out. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” There’s a pause before Tubbo speaks again. “Tommy’s my best friend, and they’re really cool.”

Tommy lets the sentence wash over him for a moment, the way it feels  _ right  _ to hear. “Do you… Know if it’s a common thing for people to go by multiple sets of pronouns?”

“I think so,” Tubbo says slowly. “I mean, I’ve seen a few people-”

“What about names?”

There’s a pause before Tubbo speaks again. “I don’t know. I’m not a reliable source for this stuff.”

Tommy exhales heavily. “I’m sorry. It’s not fair of me to dump all this fuckin’ shit onto you.”

“It’s okay.” Tommy can practically hear Tubbo’s smile through the call. “I want to help, I just don’t know a lot.”

Tommy can’t help but make a stupid joke. “Yeah, I knew that already.”

Tubbo laughs. “Shut up.”

They fall into comfortable silence for a moment.

“I… I should probably go look more into this.”

“You do that,” Tubbo replies. “And Tommy?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m here for you. No matter what.”

Tommy pointedly ignores the tears pricking at his eyes. He’s far too grateful for Tubbo’s friendship to ever put it into words, so he doesn’t try to. “I know.”

He ends the call feeling lighter, like a small weight has been lifted from his shoulders just by knowing he has the support of his best friend. Then, with another deep breath, he turns to Google, and slowly starts to type.


	2. and maybe i'm with the strawberries, alone on the shelf (cause they breathe and bleed and they're sweet like me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy implements some ideas to try and see what fits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the amazing reception on the first chapter!!! i wasn't expecting this fic to get half the attention it has :) it's really nice to know a lot of you are seeing aspects of yourself in my writing, which is really just me kind of projecting (as a demiboy who uses he/him and xe/xim and has had many a gender crisis in the past few years) onto tommy. i hope you like this chapter too, and i hope you like what's to come! :D

Tommy’s brain is far too full of information when he stumbles across two sites; pronoun dressing room and pronouny. He wastes no time opening both, turning to the pronoun dressing room first. It’s similar to what Tubbo did for him, except now he doesn’t have to awkwardly ask his best friend to refer to him using every pronoun under the sun.

“Okay,” he mumbles to himself, settling his hands onto his keyboard. “Okay.”

First, he types in his name. Simple enough. Then, with some hesitation, he types in pronouns; they, them, their, theirs. He sits back in his chair for a moment before clicking to proceed.

As he reads over the sentences, he’s once again struck with how right it feels. He quickly switches the pronouns, this time to he, him, his. This time, reading the sentences, he’s hit with familiarity as well as the feeling of it being right. 

“Maybe,” he says to himself. “Maybe. But…”

An idea forms in his mind. He wants to test this, to make sure he really does want this before announcing it to more people than his best friend. So, Tommy opens another tab, this time to discord, and sets about making an account; one seperate from his main, one purely for the purpose of this.

He hesitates over the name. Should he still put in his, or choose something else? This is his chance to try something entirely new. With slightly shaking fingers, he settles upon something different. New. Scary. Exciting.

He quickly finds a server to join. It’s nothing special, just another geared towards small talk and making friends. As Tommy types out his intro, everything solidifies. He’s actually doing this.

**Name:** _ Charity _

**Age:** _ 16 _

**Pronouns:** _ They/Them _

He breathes out and presses send. Relaxes slightly before bolting upright as someone in the general chat channel greets him. A simple message, but it’s enough to get his heart racing with a mix of fear and excitement.

**Jax** **(He/xim)**

**_Hey, Charity!!! Welcome :)_ **

Tommy takes in a breath and types out a quick response.

**Charity (They/them)**

**_Hi! It’s nice to be here_ **

He’s struck by how nice it feels to be called by a different name, and by different pronouns. He clicks back onto the tab open to pronouny, and starts with names. He inputs  _ Tommy  _ quickly, and  _ Charity  _ slower. 

He clicks onto pronouns, and is immediately overwhelmed by the suggestions. There’s so many, pronouns he’s never even heard of, that his head reels. How is someone ever supposed to work out which fit them?

Tommy shakes off his stupor and types, quickly selecting  _ he/him/his/himself _ . A second later, he also selects  _ they/them/theirs/themself. _ He leans back, staring at what he’s just done. For now, this will be for his eyes only; maybe one day, he’ll let others see it.

A set of pronouns in the suggested catches his eye for a moment, but he decides ultimately to ignore them for now. He’s inhaled too much information for one day, taken in so much that he feels fit to explode from it all. Best to work things out slowly, starting with seeing how his second discord account pans out.

Tommy slowly clicks back onto the tab open to his second discord account. The chat has since moved past him joining, and he’s not sure he can just slip into the conversation, so he leaves it for now. He’s highly aware that daydream him doesn’t look the same as it did last night; daydream him is loud and proud, has pronoun pins, and won’t let fear drag him down.

Real him is terrified. He knows he has Tubbo in his corner, and never really had a doubt that he would. He’s almost certain the rest of his friends would support him too, but he has no real gauge for his audience. Sure, there’s the jokes from streams, but those are  _ jokes. _

It’s different when it’s the real thing. Far scarier. Tommy used to like retreating into his head, letting daydream him conquer scenarios so absurd even he felt a little ridiculous thinking them up. Now? He’d prefer to be anywhere but alone with his own thoughts.

He’s not sure he likes this. He’s figuring himself out, or at least he hopes he is, and it’s far more terrifying than anything. Did everyone feel this scared when they realised something new about themselves and had to tell the world eventually? Or just him?

“Fuck.” Tommy sinks down in his chair, staring at his alt-discord profile, at the name  _ Charity  _ displayed for all to see. “I hate this.”

The way he feels is beyond weird. Does anyone else feel simultaneously like a boy and like they’re not? Is he alone in feeling this way? 

He feels like an alien in his own skin. An imposter to his own home. He feels like he’s housing a secret that will one day consume him, swallow him whole and burst out, tearing down his house and destroying everything.

It’s then that he notices there’s a vent and advice channel in the discord server he’d joined. He opens it, and sees people voicing all kinds of concerns and worries; so many far worse than his, others far more minor. He relaxes slightly, realising this could be his outlet.

Tommy settles his hands on his keyboard again. Now all he has to do is put his feelings into words.

**_Charity (They/them) is typing..._ **


	3. They hold my hand and make it seem that, in this moment, I don't need to be afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy comes out to another of their friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter this time! I didn't want to try and squish more into this chapter when it didn't feel like it fits.

It’s during a lull in the call, a moment of quiet as they record, that Tommy finds the courage to speak. Something in him just decides that it’s time, that he can’t stay silent forever and barely even let anyone in on anything.

“Hey Wilbur?”

“Mm?”

“I… I think I want to go by he/him and they/them pronouns.”

There’s a small moment of silence, but it doesn’t last long.

“Alright. I’ll try my best to remember.”

And that’s it. No big deal is made of it, just a simple, single sentence of acceptance. It almost makes Tommy want to cry.

“Thought you might make a big deal of it,” he says after a moment.

“Why?”

Tommy takes a moment to think, and realises that they’re not completely sure. “I… I don’t know. I just… kind of thought it.”

Wilbur lets out a small huff, and Tommy can practically hear the fond smile behind it. “Well, looks like you had nothing to worry about.”

Tommy exhales, focusing back on his game just in time to see a zombie absolutely obliterate his avatar. It elicits a laugh from them, finally letting themselves relax. 

“Wilbur.”

“Yeah?”

“I guess I was  _ dying  _ to tell you that.”

A heavy sigh comes down the call as Tommy stifles laughter at his own joke.

“I can’t hit a child, I can’t hit a child, I ca-”

Tommy’s laughter drowns out the repeated phrase as the two settle back into recording. It’s like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, and Tommy knows next time will be easier. That he won’t feel quite so terrified to tell someone.

But they don’t think too much about the future. He just focuses back in on the game of Minecraft, cracks more bad jokes, and takes each second as they come.

*********

**Charity (They/them)**

**_I came out to one of my friends today_ **

**Alex (He/they)**

**_Hell yeah!!! I’m proud :)_ **

Tommy leans back in his chair. The server that they’re in has made them feel at home, even if he only joined a few days ago. The people here had been the ones to make him feel comfortable enough to come out to Wilbur.

Still, it sticks with them that the name  _ Charity  _ seems to fit them well. But he doesn’t want to never be called Tommy, either. Do people go by more than one name? They’re not sure. 

They could ask. The server he’s in is full of people willing to help. Yet he doesn’t.

All they do is open up their dms with Tubbo. He types out a simple message.

**TommyInnit**

**_I told Wilbur._ **

It’s seconds later when he gets a reply.

**Tubbo**

**_How’d it go?_ **

**TommyInnit**

**_Surprisingly well._ **

**Tubbo**

**_:)_ **

Tommy sits back in his chair. Now, officially, two people in their life know. It’s daunting if they think about the others he’s yet to tell, but it’s exhilarating to think about the fact that he managed to come out to two people. 

The name Charity lurks at the back of their mind, like a predator just waiting to pounce, but he ignores it for now. For the moment, they just sit there, still wondering how in the hell they managed to reach this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELL YEAH GANG FINALLY I GET TO MIX UP THE PRONOUNS


End file.
